


Bleeding Colours

by Merixcil



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, M/M, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 08:23:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2143782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merixcil/pseuds/Merixcil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The drugs don’t make Sanggyun particularly special, but it’s forever what Sehyuk knows him best for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bleeding Colours

They meet in the pulsating crowds of the Itaewon underground. Sehyuk recalls the night like a dirty roll of film, alcohol bleeding the details from his mind’s eye but the overarching plot still comprehensible. There are hundreds of people lost among the masses of the dance floor and he had to crash into Sanggyun.

And crash the operative word here, because this is a boy meets boy story and it take forces beyond a knowing smile or eyes locked across the room to drive the two parties together.

Sangyun stares at the alcohol spilled down his shirt but the grain of the film is blurry and Sehyuk finds it hard to recall if he’s angry. All he can really make out are a pair of eyes swallowed by pupils blown wide with chemical stimulation.

The drugs don’t make Sanggyun particularly special, but it’s forever what Sehyuk knows him best for.

"You remember the night I met you I made you take me out to one of those stupid Italian places?" Sanggyun asks from the bare bones of his living room floor.

Sehyuk starts, the film jumps forward several hours to clearer memories of a morning spent pushing through a hangover.

"I didn’t take you out, you lost your wallet and I had to pay for both of us"

"Nah you’re the hyeong, you were always gonna pay." Sanggyun reaches up to run a hand through his hair. Sehyuk watches it fall into a blood red halo around his face, he has a sudden urge to cut it all off.

He shakes his head, “you still owe me,”

"You wouldn’t let me pay you back if I tried.”

Sehyuk purses his lips and says nothing. Like so many pointless arguments with Sanggyun this is one he isn’t going to win.

 

There had been a bottle of vodka, Sehyuk remembers that much.

Sanggyun had extended the hand of friendship in a different manner at first but changed tactic when the offered pills were met with a sharp intake of breath. Sehyuk thinks they were blue…or was it pink? There’s a dark spot on the film reel blocking out the particulars.

(Sanggyun once took him though the pills in the box under his bed. White for this and orange for that. Sehyuk has forgotten everything except his neglected warning that Sanggyun was playing with fire)

Sehyuk hates drugs, but alcohol is an easy substitute.

"Drink up man drink it all up," the audio always gets stuck on Sanggyun at his most manic, whooping in time to generic electro beats as the alcohol burns its way down Sehyuk’s throat. The tipping point is a vaguely sketched plot point in the narrative of the evening but the desire to fly as high as Sanggyun is inexplicably strong.

The night descends into anarchy, the film becomes too dusty to make anything out at all.

 

Three months later and Sehyuk wakes up late on a Monday morning to the smell of breakfast drifting from Sanggyun’s kitchen. He’s face down on the couch with a crick in his neck and he knows he wasn’t supposed to spend the night.

Sanggyun shoves a plate of fried eggs and toast under his nose but Sehyuk reaches for the coffee in his other hand.

Sanggyun snorts and sets the food down. They both know he can’t cook for shit, but he makes good coffee.

"I thought you had work today," Sanggyun’s head tips back and the veins at his throat burn blue against his skin.

Sehyuk nods, “too late to go in now though.”

"You shouldn’t have stayed."

And all Sehyuk can do is watch Sanggyun’s hair roll away down his back like a red river.

 

There are holes on the ground so dark and depraved that Sehyuk feels the urge to cross himself every time Sanggyun drags him across their threshold. They’re clubs apparently, or raves, or undiscovered corners of Seoul where people looking for a certain type of nightlife can get what they need with minimal danger of police intervention.

They’re places for people like Sanggyun.

"C’mon hyeong," Sanggyun tries for the hundredth time as he drops a pill (pale yellow tonight) onto his tongue. Sehyuk watches it vanish into his mouth, sees the muscles of Sanggyun’s throat ripple as he swallows. He shakes his head.

Sanggyun shrugs and throws the second pill (there is always a second pill) down after the first. By the time it’s disappeared beyond his lips his eyes have misted over and Sehyuk knows he’s gone for the night. Gone to a place where flashing lights and shitty music are all he needs to have a good time. Whirling through the nameless masses till he crashes into someone new and forgets about Sehyuk.

Except as time goes by the idea of being forgotten seems less and less threatening, or maybe Sehyuk’s managed to trick himself into thinking it’s less likely. Sanggyun chats with pretty girls and influential dealers but always flits back to Sehyuk by the end of the night to walk him back to the grimy couch in his living room.

Sehyuk sees Sangyun’s teeth glisten blue under UV light. He finds the strongest liquor in the building and drinks deep.

 

“Hyeong do you need painkillers?”

Sehyuk snatches ineffectively at the pills in Sanggyun’s hand but the younger is too fast. He pops one out of the foil seal and drops it onto his tongue, white on pink, tempting for all the wrong reasons.

For the longest time the air is still with the heady sloth that comes from two bodies breaking down the toxins they have forced into their systems in the past twelve hours. Caught in the crosshairs if a situation that Sehyuk refuses to admit carries echoes of the standoffs the pair of them have had over a box of pills in all the colours of the rainbow.

Sanggyun closes his mouth and swallows,

"One pill makes you larger," he pushes another painkiller through the foil packaging,

"And the other makes you small," he holds out his hand and waits for Sehyuk to open his mouth  
"And the ones that mother gives you don’t do anything at all." Sanggyun slides the pill along Sehyuk’s tongue, the pads of his fingers taste bitter with sweat as Sehyuk’s lips close around them. They lie in his mouth waiting for him to swallow like they might chase the pill to his belly.

Slowly, Sanggyun pulls away, pulls his fingers through Sehyuk’s lips like he can’t bear to see the moment they part.

In the early afternoon sun, with Sanggyun’s fingers still resting on his lips, Sehyuk swallows. The painkillers do their job well enough but Sanggyun does little for his headache.

 

The first thing Sehyuk truly comes to understand about the drugs pumping their way through Sanggyun’s veins is that he doesn’t understand the first thing about them.

"I thought it was just like…ecstasy and LSD he mumbles over a breakfast that feels entirely too crowded."

Hyosang laughs, loud and annoying, a laugh to show off with, “Jesus Sanggyun where did you find him?”

"I forget," Sanggyun shrugs, his attention fixed on three pale violet squares sitting on the kitchen table, "what did you say these do Joon?"

"Everything you want ‘em to. C’mon Sanggyun how long have we known each other," Hojoon smiles his unsettling, predatory smile. Sehyuk will learn soon enough that it’s a smile saved for dealers stringing their customers up into marionettes.

"I know what you like," Hojoon hisses.

Sanggyun smirks and swipes the pills from the table, “how much?”

Hyosang howls with laughter. Sehyuk wonders what it would feel like to punch him out.  
These pills, Sanggyun assures him later, are a different breed from the ones he was on not two nights ago. These are the Next Big Thing or so Hojoon claims, a high strong enough to lift you out of the underground all together.

"You don’t know what they’re gonna do,” Sehyuk breathes into Sanggyun’s hair, “you don’t know shit you’re such a fucking idiot”

Sanggyun’s head whips round and for a moment Sehyuk is blinded by red, but then Sanggyun’s face fills his vision; sharp angles and pale skin. They’re close, closer than he ever remembers them being before, close enough for the heat of Sanggyun’s palms hovering above his wrists to feel like fire.

At first Sehyuk thinks there will be fireworks, then Sanggyun smiles and with a sinking heart he knows there won’t.

"I’ll be fine hyeong, I always am." And all of a sudden Sanggyun is too close, his voice is too soft, his eyes are too kind and Sehyuk feels like he’s going to suffocate watching the violet tablet fall onto his tongue.

Sanggyun waits with his mouth open, like he’s expecting Sehyuk to reach in and take the pill from him. The truth is that Sehyuk doesn’t have the guts for anything so noble and it’s all he can do to stand in silent anguish as Sanggyun’s mouth finally closes.

"See you round hyeong,"

The bathroom door swings closed and Sehyuk spends the rest of the evening trying to drink away his indistinct fantasies of a boy dressed in red.

 

“Please, hyeong please we could-“

"No Sanggyun we couldn’t,"

"But I want to, I just really really wanna…"

Sehyuk pushes at the hands trying to fumble away his belt but they keep coming back. Sanggyun is everywhere at once, his eyes darting from Sehyuk’s to the bruise he can feel blooming at his throat that his teeth have left as they tread their way across as much of his body as can be reached. His hands are torturous, inviting Sehyuk to give in to an arousal they can share together.

Sehyuk wants to give in, even as he pries Sanggyun’s fingers from his hips he wants to pull the boy in and find out just how far this high can go. A hand passes over his crotch and his breath stutters.

He pushes Sanggyun away

"No."

Sanggyun stares at him with unfamiliar eyes looking confused and stoned. This is what Hojoon’s pills and potions do, they transform his customers into parodies of the most hedonistic human instincts; to drink, to dance, to fuck. He once gave Sanggyun something that made him eat till he puked and still Sanggyun goes back to him time and time again.

"I’m taking you home," Sehyuk mutters before the mass of inebriated willing bodies beyond the confines of the bathroom stall can draw Sanggyun away again. Sanggyun opens his mouth to protest but bile comes out instead and Sehyuk barely steps out of the way in time to avoid getting a faceful.

Sehyuk walks Sanggyun back to his appartment trying to ignore the smell of the vomit on their clothes. Sanggyun’s nose is pressed against his collar and for the briefest of moments he lets himself enjoy the feeling of slow breaths against the bruise on his neck.

 

"I think…did I try to fuck you last night?"

Sehyuk pauses over a frying pan full of eggs and tries to decide what he wants to say.

"Kinda…"

"Well either I did or I didn’t man."

Sehyuk throws the eggs onto the one clean plate left in the kitchen and takes it to the table. In the light of day the bruise at his neck is not as bad as he feared but still bold enough to catch Sanggyun’s attention.

"Shit," he breathes. And Sehyuk can practically see his thought process and he tries to remember what he might have done to cause it.

Sehyuk hands him a fork and stabs at the egg closest to him, “don’t worry I didn’t let you do anything.”

"I gave you a hickey. That’s not nothing."

"It’s fine."

Sanggyun reaches over to press his fingers to the marks left by his teeth. Sehyuk breathes deep and tries not to think about the feel of strange lips against his skin.

"Man you must have been pretty fucking drunk not to have punched my lights out," Sanggyun chuckles, sitting back. Sehyuk wants to tell him that he’s missing the point, that he needed to be dragged off two girls before he got him into the bathroom, that their clothes from last night are sitting in the laundry basket pickling in Sanggyun’s vomit, that Sehyuk wasn’t that drunk.

Instead he takes another mouthful of fried egg and says the same thing he always says on mornings like this

"I don’t like you when you’re high."

 

"It’s like…life without consequences,"

"Everything has consequences,"

"Yeah but like you don’t FEEL them it’s like they don’t matter"

"They’ll matter when you’re sober,"

"When I’m sober I won’t remember them,"

"I remember them"

"Then you be my conscience,"

"I’m trying"

"There’s no need to be so serious hyeong. Hojoon isn’t gonna let me kill myself,"

"Hojoon doesn’t give a shit about you,"

"Sure he does, I’m his best customer,"

"That’s not caring,"

"Oh and you’d know the difference I suppose?"

"Got the hickey to prove it haven’t I,"

"I’m just saying hyeong, you should try it sometime,"

"I don’t wanna lose myself like that,"

"And I do. Stop lecturing me about it it’s annoying,"

"You’re doing all the talking Sanggyun,"

"Of course I am you’re the strong silent type,"

"Aww, you got a crush on me princess?"

"In your dreams! You’re the old creep after my dick."

Sehyuk doesn’t reply.

 

There are no windows in the places Sanggyun takes him. Sehyuk realises this only when he checks his watch and sees that he hasn’t slept in forty eight hours.

Forty eight hours: the length of time since Sanggyun was last sober.

This time Sehyuk doesn’t even know the shape of the pills, much less the colour. Sanggyun ate them straight out of Hojoon’s hand and before Sehyuk could do a thing he had vanished in a puff of chemical ecstasy.

Despite the thumping, non-descript bass pounding through his head, the heat and the dark have unconsciousness stealing into the edges of Sehyuk’s vision and when he stares too long at the horizon of the skylights he can feel his eyes try to slip closed.

He can’t sleep. Not now, not today. The allure of his bed is powerful but stronger still is the absolute certainty Sehyuk feels that if he leaves Sanggyun alone tonight they will never see each other again. He watches the younger boy lose himself to a chemical reinterpretation of the tuneless drone of the music, sees the way his body bends and flexes around imagined rhythms and decides he isn’t ready to say goodbye.

"Hyeong, shit Sehyuk are you ok? Answer me arsehole," through his body’s desperate attempts to black out it takes Sehyuk way too long to answer, long enough for something approaching genuine concern to work its way into Sanggyun’s voice. He snaps to attention and the earth shakes beneath him.

"I’m fine,"

"You look like shit man you should go home,"

"No!" Sehyuk reaches out to steady himself and his hand finds its way to Sanggyun’s bicep, "no I’ll be fine I just need something to drink."

"I have something stronger than alcohol, if you’re interested."

Sehyuk watches helplessly as Sanggyun produces a single tablet, as white and ordinary as any over the counter painkiller and lays it on his tongue, the same as any other night. Only tonight Sehyuk is so very sure that if he lets Sanggyun go the boy’s body will show up in some nameless back alley or worse, in someone else’s bed.

He makes the decision in an instant, and in that instant he fails to comprehend the full scope of his actions. In his head he has convinced himself it’s intervention but by the following morning he will have understood it to be enablement.

Sehyuk kisses Sanggyun like he might be able to cancel out every toxic substance he’s ever taken, like he might be able to kiss his way back to the boy Sanggyun was before. He decides that it’s a romantic notion, some great gesture to illustrate the importance of the younger boy to him, that for every pill he can kiss off Sanggyun’s tongue he can redeem himself of one he let slide in the past.

In reality, all he’s doing is taking the pill himself.

It’s odd, Sehyuk decides as the initial shock wears off and Sanggyun starts to kiss him back, odd that something so small can do so much damage. Sanggyun’s hands find their way to his hips and Sehyuk wonders if there’s any chance he’d do this sober, if there’s any chance that the violet pills are hiding amongst the cocktail of drugs in his blood.

Sehyuk always imagined that getting high took time, that there would be time to watch yourself vanish and be replaced by whatever person the drugs made you into. In reality the drop happens so quickly that he doesn’t even notice it, he simply slips away from the Park Sehyuk who practices rationality and who drinks his problems into insignificance shot by shot and into a warm body pressing against another; desperate for the thrill of skin on skin contact. Sanggyun’s lips move sloppily against his own and Sehyuk lets his hands begin to wander: up his slim sides, along his sharp shoulders, fisting in his red hair so much softer than Sehyuk would have guessed.

Sanggyun makes a noise somewhere in the back of his throat. Sehyuk doesn’t hear it so much as feel it through every point at which their bodies touch and if there was ever a point of no return he knows they’ve passed it.

 

Five minutes later and Sanggyun is once again sucking bruises into Sehyuk’s neck in an empty bathroom stall. This time the hand Sehyuk places at the back of his head urges him on where before it discouraged and when Sanggyun reaches forward to touch Sehyuk through his jeans he doesn’t stop him. He is aware that they are breaking barriers formed for good reasons but the common sense intrinsic to denying himself so much as a chance at whatever he thinks is lying underneath Sanggyun’s clothes has receded to a muffled afterthought against the tirade of his conviction that this is where they were supposed to end up. Sehyuk reaches down to guide Sangwon’s hand through the trappings of his belt and boxers and doesn’t have time to worry about what might happen if someone were to catch them. 

After that everything becomes a blur, details of hands and lips and knowing smirks bleeding into each other. Sanggyun is everywhere, his hair falling in a scarlet haze around the both of them that blinds Sehyuk to any and all sensual stimuli that doesn’t directly contribute towards the two of them edging closer and closer to orgasm. He hears ragged breathing melting into moans against his neck, smells sweat and deodorant and people and whatever else it is that makes up Sanggyun’s scent, he feels a little less in control with every movement. 

And he likes it, it feels like freedom. 

In the end, the climax is somewhat disappointing. The high of sexual stimulation crashes rather abruptly as the realisation that it’s just a hand job in a grimy bathroom sets in and Sehyuk is left sitting on a chemical high that he doesn’t know how to control with someone else’s semen on his jeans. Sanggyun pulls his belt back into place and blinks at Sehyuk like he’s only just realised who’s hand was down his pants, Sehyuk feels like a fool for expecting fireworks.

“Well,” Sanggyun breathes. Sehyuk stares back at him, and stares, and stares, trying to think of something intelligent to say but the drugs are still limiting his thoughts to a one track roller-coaster through territory that he knows is way outside the boundaries of the person he normally allows himself to be

“For what it’s worth, I’d have done it sober, if you’d let me,”

Sanggyun shrugs, “I’d let you, but you’ve never tried.”

Despite the urge that Sehyuk feels to head out into the crowds and disappear for good, he follows a silent agreement between the two of them that soiled trousers are meant for changing. They shriek and sing and dance their way through the streets of Seoul and Sehyuk can’t deny that joining in is a lot more fun than trailing after. This, he supposes, is one way of doing it – sharing highs and helping each other home (Sehyuk’s place tonight) – there’s comfort to be found in that. 

And the next day, when his head is pounding and Sanggyun is already talking about the places they’ll go that night and the things Hojoon will give him, flippant and carefree and entirely unchanged, Sehyuk will wonder if he didn’t dream it. All he knows is that now, when the time comes for Sanggyun to swallow whatever it is he’ll be taking tonight, Sehyuk will be the one kissing it off his tongue and taking it instead, knowing that he would never try it sober; and what comfort is there to be found in that?

**Author's Note:**

> I think this is my lamest ending yet otl. And you can really tell that this was written in chunks....idk it needed to be posted it's been sitting around for too long any longer and I wasn't ever actually gonna get round to publishing it


End file.
